In Breaking News from Nashville
Crosswalks are cooking an evil plan and Dogs ask "Does this leash make my ass look fat?
On the local 10 o'clock news tonight they did one of those 'investigative' stories about how the crosswalks here are evil and they are plotting day and night to take down every pedestrian in Nashville, one slow poke at a time. The problem? The lights apparently don't give enough time for people to get across safely or they are other wise defective (i.e. missing a button).
They interviewed a public works official who stated that the crosswalk times were based on the average walking speed of a human and they do perform regular maintenance on the lights and get this - he said that the longer the crosswalk, the more time the light gives you to get across. What a novel idea.
Investigating further and using a high tech device called a stopwatch the action news team timed a random crosswalk - it took 47 seconds for the light to change and the 'walk' sign to come up. The public works official had previously stated the lights change in about 30 seconds once a pedestrian hits the walk button that's attached to the light (Stef you know the one that makes the clicky sound you like). It's an outrage I say - 47 seconds!! Clearly there is some plot in the works by the evil doer crosswalk regime (just fyi the color code for the level of threat will be Red, Yellow, and Green).
Still not satisfied the team does some man on the street interviews and finds out that one old woman had to stop in the median b/c she couldn't make it all the way across before the light changed (no sh*t, really? ) And to drive home the point of how bad the crosswalks were they finally interviewed a woman in a motorized wheelchair - who could, incidentally make it all the way across before the light changed. No her problem wasn't getting across in time, it was getting across at all. According to the woman she waited for 2 hours one time for the light to change. TWO HOURS?!?!?
I find it absurd and really not at all believable that the lights/walk sign didn't change for two hours. And why in the name of the saints would you wait at a light for two hours - maybe trying going up to another intersection or something? If I had to wait at a light for two hours (honestly probably more than two minutes) the impatient monster inside of me would either kick the stoplight pole repeatedly or just start running as fast as my short little legs would take me.
The next story - and really we have gone off the deep end as a society so brace yourselves - Scientists have now come out with a doggie diet pill. A doggie diet pill for pete's sake. Evidently not only are the dog owners (i.e. most Americans) big fat asses - but so are their dogs.
So now your puppy can be anorexic just like you Nicole Ritchie. Seriously - just get out and walk your dog - you'll both feel better and Fido can finally get into that two piece.
p.s. if you don't laugh at this you have no soul b/c it's killin' me. Does this leash make my ass look fat...funnah!
They interviewed a public works official who stated that the crosswalk times were based on the average walking speed of a human and they do perform regular maintenance on the lights and get this - he said that the longer the crosswalk, the more time the light gives you to get across. What a novel idea.
Investigating further and using a high tech device called a stopwatch the action news team timed a random crosswalk - it took 47 seconds for the light to change and the 'walk' sign to come up. The public works official had previously stated the lights change in about 30 seconds once a pedestrian hits the walk button that's attached to the light (Stef you know the one that makes the clicky sound you like). It's an outrage I say - 47 seconds!! Clearly there is some plot in the works by the evil doer crosswalk regime (just fyi the color code for the level of threat will be Red, Yellow, and Green).
Still not satisfied the team does some man on the street interviews and finds out that one old woman had to stop in the median b/c she couldn't make it all the way across before the light changed (no sh*t, really? ) And to drive home the point of how bad the crosswalks were they finally interviewed a woman in a motorized wheelchair - who could, incidentally make it all the way across before the light changed. No her problem wasn't getting across in time, it was getting across at all. According to the woman she waited for 2 hours one time for the light to change. TWO HOURS?!?!?
I find it absurd and really not at all believable that the lights/walk sign didn't change for two hours. And why in the name of the saints would you wait at a light for two hours - maybe trying going up to another intersection or something? If I had to wait at a light for two hours (honestly probably more than two minutes) the impatient monster inside of me would either kick the stoplight pole repeatedly or just start running as fast as my short little legs would take me.
The next story - and really we have gone off the deep end as a society so brace yourselves - Scientists have now come out with a doggie diet pill. A doggie diet pill for pete's sake. Evidently not only are the dog owners (i.e. most Americans) big fat asses - but so are their dogs.
So now your puppy can be anorexic just like you Nicole Ritchie. Seriously - just get out and walk your dog - you'll both feel better and Fido can finally get into that two piece.
p.s. if you don't laugh at this you have no soul b/c it's killin' me. Does this leash make my ass look fat...funnah!
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