Wicked Jealous

Emma passed this on - it's funny even if you're not a Pats/Sox fan or Catholic.

Jealous God Jealous of Sawx and Pats, Claims Douchey Boston Priest


Boston priest Tommy O’Connell focused his homily this week at his North Street church on Exodus 20:5 – “For I the Lord thy God am a jealous God” – explaining to his parishioners that God, like everyone outside of New England, is totally wicked jealous of the Red Sox and Patriots.

“I am asked all the time about that passage,” said Father O’Connell. “People wonder how a kind and merciful God can be jealous. Well, you’ve seen the Pats and Sox. If you rooted for crappy team like the Saints and Angels and Notre Dame, wouldn’t you be jealous of the Pats and Sox, too? God is no different. Everyone, even the Creator, wishes they were as wicked awesome as us.”

O’Connell told his flock that they should seek out examples of God in their everyday life so they can live more spiritually.

“Here in Boston those signs are all around us,” said O’Connell. “Are you telling me that God in coach form is not Bill Belichick? That God in quarterback form is not Tom Brady? Think about it. Brady dumped that actress and then she suddenly gets pregnant. That’s immaculate conception if I’ve ever seen it, that gold-digging harlot.”

Father O’Connell’s flock said his homily was the greatest, most powerful and most relevant they have ever heard.

“Usually I just kind of show up at mass every week and doze, knowing that if I don’t show up every week God will send me to hell for eternity,” said parishioner Donny Flannery. “But Father really had some good stuff this week. When he said that Satan sucks just like the Yankees suck, that really hit home with me. The Yankees do suck. I wonder if Satan is a homo just like Peyton Manning. Maybe he will address that in next Sunday’s homily. Wow – for the first time ever, I can’t wait to come back to church!”

Parishioner Shonda McGrath said she has noticed that jealous people try to criticize the Patriots and Red Sox just like they do the Catholic Church.

“So the Red Sox buy championships. So Bill Belichick cheats a little bit,” said McGrath. “Big whoop. Stop whining and complaining. It’s not like they’re out there touching kids or anything.”

Father O’Connell ended his homily by urging those in attendance to get right with God before it is too late.

“If you think God is jealous now,” said O’Connell. “Just wait until the Celtics win the NBA title this summer – and you’re retahded if you don’t think it’s going to happen. He’ll be so jealous He’ll probably start the Apocalypse.”