Cha Cha Chachi

He's still dreamy
http://www.baiowatch.com/

Long Hunter State Park

Bugg and I took a nice walk around some lake at Long Hunter State Park. It rained today so it was cooler and less humid - nice walk...nice lake...nice park...looking forward to going back during the fall.

Crane chillin on the bank

My boogie man

Nothing scares me more than being happy. I'm trying to go with it though; enjoy it; stop worrying so much...

little wonders - rob thomas

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don’t mind
if it’s me you need to turn to
we’ll get by,
it’s the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
with these small hours, still remain...

Life in Assisted Living

My 96 year old grandmother lives in a lovely assisted living home in OH. She's been there for several months now and has had quite a few new experiences.

Some background: She grew up and spent her whole life in a tiny farm town in IL,. She's a religious, modest, sheltered woman who taught school for many years and probably has never uttered a curse word in her life - maybe a 'dang' but I doubt it. She's probably only had one sip of anything alcoholic and that was some champagne after my first wedding (that sounds weird - but it's true - first wedding). And it took a lot of explaining and gesturing to explain to her what balls (testicles) were one Xmas - long story but freaking hysterical (DO NOT TELL HER I TOLD YOU).

Anyway - point being she's old school and I think it's great she's getting to see some things at this home she wouldn't have otherwise been exposed to. I also find it a tad humorous I'm not gonna lie b/c it's my grandma you know - but good for her for broadening her horizons at such a ripe age. Here are some examples:

• A few months ago she saw Romeo and Juliet for the first time at a local playhouse/college
• I believe but can't prove it that she 'flirted' a tad with an elderly gentleman who lives at the home - harmless of course but oh so cute
• Recently she spoke of going to 'church' one Sunday - a group of youngin's (20 somethings I imagine) came to the home with a local pastor or youth group leader and had a church service for the residents. She doesn't want me to tell anyone but she said it wasn't much of a church service as they just played BINGO and didn't even ask any Bible related questions and she said she'd never seen so many tattoos and piercings in her whole life. I told her that I think the new wave of Christian is trying to attract a younger audience and it's 'cool' with God/Jesus to be tattooed and pierced. She quoted chapter and verse of where it says in the Bible that we aren't to 'disfigure' our bodies and I dropped it. Finally...
  
• Today she told me the residents were entertained yesterday by a group local belly dancing students. 20 odd belly dancers shimmied and shook for an hour plus in front of them. She told me that she turned to one of the gentlemen residents after it was over and said, "well we sure didn't fall asleep did we?"
  

I'm trying to imagine my grandmother watching belly dancers - but bless her heart she did.

You're never too old right.

Day 497 - ANTS

So it's really only been a week or so since the ANTS invaded and I don't really have anything new to report - I just felt like writing. Actually I do have an update - they have now officially moved INTO my refrigerator. I sprayed em a few times with windex last night - kills them without the harsh chemicals - but when I got up to get a drink at midnight and saw them swarming and crawling and being disgusting in the cracks of the refrigerator door seal and down near the crisper drawers I had enough so I busted out the RAID and sent them all to Hell.

I then stayed up for several minutes debating on whether or not I should now throw out everything in my fridge b/c I realized I could actually be poisoning myself with all the Raid I've been spraying - "Isn't that like ironic or something if I like totally killed myself with the Raid instead of the ANTS?" (said while I tilt my head to the side and twirl my hair with my finger).

Earlier in the evening two more of them crawled on me while I was watching TV - I'm not sure if they are migrating to the living room or if they jump on me in an effort to escape the poisonous Raid gas in the kitchen. No matter - I squash them like the ANTS they are and send them to Hell.

I did have to put pants on last night (instead of the shorts I usually wear while watching TV) b/c I was afraid I was literally going to end up with ANTS in my pANTS. One was crawling up my thigh so it's not such a far cry to envision him making his way to third base - and frankly I'm not that kind of girl...so I squashed the perv and sent him to Hell.

To Hell I say!

I was just about to post this post :) when I found the following blog on ants (my comments in purple):

a lot of people says that ants brings good luck. it is the belief of most Filipinos that when you see ants in your house you shouldn't kill them because they are blessings. yes that is true that ants are blessings because they are a creation of GOD. but let us look to a deeper meaning. what does it really conveys us?

HERE ARE THE 3 CHARACTERISTICS OF ANTS ACCORDING TO BIBLE:
1. small yet extremely wise. they say that wisdom has nothing to do with education. you could be the most intelligent person in class but you are dumb. (yes but are you small - b/c everyone knows being skinny is what it's all about. Seriously, I don't really get her argument here - first it's about small and wise then she explains it by comparing wisdom with education - which I agree with but it has nothing to do with small yet wise statement she started with - did the Raid rot my brain?)

2. not strong yet diligently working. they just keep on working. one example is when they're making a colony and some human being destroyed it they will go to another place and will start building again. they don't take revenge and they don't complain. (almost makes me feel bad....but not quite for two reasons 1) how can they complain - they are ants (tiny little things - what are they going to do - body slam you? 2)they are strong. aren't they able to carry like a gazillion times their own weight?)

3. no ruler yet motivated. they don't need someone to tell them what to do. (isnt' the queen the ruler? I don't know - I'm asking)

IN SHORT: LIMITATIONS ARE NOT LIMITS!!!**GOD SAID: "Go to the ant you sluggard**

I'm still going to kill them - forgive me but I am.

Things I ponder when I'm alone at night with the ANTS

I just found an ANT crawling between my boobs - I guess we're intimate now - which I suppose is a good thing since they seem to be setting up house in my kitchen.

Anyway the reason for this post - the thing I'm pondering - if by some act of God I got motivated or got gastric bypass surgery and lost a bunch of weight like Star Jones would I end up looking as freaky as her? Would I too look like a bobble head with big bug eyes?

Yep that's what I think about when I sit here at night.

I bet Star Jones doesn't have ANTS.

ANTS

These are just some of the dead ones

Live ones crawling on the wall

My kitchen has been invaded this past week by ANTS. The bug guy came and sprayed and they seemed to have moved from to the other side of the kitchen - they aren't near any food or water sources anymore - they are just swarming around the cabinets making me friggin sick.

I am distraught - I hate things that swarm. I've already had a few crying episodes tonight - which I know is silly b/c they are ants for frig sake but it's really gross and it creeps me out. My mom and I have been trying to trap them and kill them in various ways and it's not working - so I turned to the internet. Here are a few of my favorite and/or disturbing findings...

• Squishing them will bring in more ants. When ants die, they emit a "death smell" so others can carry the carcass back to the mound. (this one is disturbing b/c of course I've been squishing them - damn them!)
  

• Also, go get some instant grits from the grocery store and put it directly on the mound, maybe a tablespoon or two, and when the queen eats it, it blows up inside of her and makes her explode, killing her and her brood. Keep this up and your any problems will go away. (this one makes me laugh and I imagine that queen bitch blowing up and taking her worker ho's with her)

• the best thing to do in my books is to sprinkle baby powder (talcum powder) around where they are coming in, and if you want them gone in the longterm, after cleaning your kitchen everyday, spray (or rub) a little peppermint oil ALL over your ant attractive places! this works great and keeps the kitchen smelling fresh and clean all day! good luck de-anting

Dumbass of the week

This is so awesomely stupid there aren't words...

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,293208,00.html

Basically this guy tried to rob a liquor store and used duct tape as a mask - see picture. Is it wrong that it makes me laugh so much?

And a toilet shall be the death of her

This is the Bite Me 300 Toilet.

I almost stroked out today b/c the toilet in the second bathroom is not working properly despite the fact that the maintenance guy 'fixed' it earlier this week. This wouldn't normally be a problem except that my mom and Steve are coming for a visit and my mom was supposed to use the 2nd bathroom. What really set me off was the fact that the management company basically said sorry about your luck but our on call guy isn't coming out there for that - it's not an emergency.

I flipped out on poor lil Whitney (the girl working in the office today) and told her that they can sucking eat my deposit when I break my lease b/c it's total BS that they won't come out and fix it. I have no idea what sucking eat my deposit means but I was so mad that's what came out...along with other four letter words. I told her that I hoped the maintenance man's toilet blew up on him while he was on it and what's the use in having someone on call when they don't come out and fix things. I know it's just a toilet and I have another one - but that's not the point. As Snooky pointed out - I pay for two beds/two baths and they should work.

Soooo not a fan of Mission Apartments right now.

Oh and I don't think I mentioned - on the news Tuesday night they did a story about a guy getting arrested after the cops found 500 pounds of pot in his apt - $500,000 street value. The apt is conveniently located off of Old Hickory Blvd - aka Mission Apt - aka - my apt complex.

I've settled down considerably and I've been plunging the *&%$# toilet for the last three hours - I've finally gotten it to flush all the way once.

Back to plunging.

The Kite Runner

Finished it. One of the best books I've ever read.

Wikipedia - I hate you

I started reading the Kite Runner last night. So far a really good book which made me want to do a little research on the author and the book so I googled it this morning and came across a link for it on Wikipedia.

I started to read just the general info about the book and the characters and I'll be damned if it didn't give away key points in the book. I was so mad! I wasn't expecting it to tell me any of that. They really should have a disclaimer about spoiling the whole thing posted in big bold writing.

Granted there are times (several times) when I get so anxious/engrossed in a book that I read ahead - but that's my choice - this was accidental and it upset me. And yes once I figured out that the character descriptions were also giving away the plot I stopped reading.

Just thought I'd share so it doesn't happen to you. You're welcome.

Demolition Derby

Went to my first Demolition Derby this weekend. The derby itself was pretty entertaining. The only commentary I have on the whole thing is 1) I don't understand why anyone would bring tiny babies to a demolition derby - the noise, the heat - it's hard enough on regular sized people 2) people were sitting awfully close to the 'pit' and it's not a far stretch for one of those cars to come right up over the embankment and smush someone. It's the safety geek in me I'm sure but you couldn't pay me to sit that close.

Two Things

I was doing some admin stuff today for someone at work that consisted of me paper clipping a card to a piece of paper that would then be mailed out. As I’m clipping the cards it occurs to me that I’m using large paperclips and perhaps I should be using the small paperclips because maybe they always use small paperclips and large paperclips would be a bad idea. Then I thought – ‘I’m a crazy person’ and banged my head on the desk a few times.

After I got a grip I realized why I had that much anxiety about a paperclip. I was having flashbacks from the boss from hell experience at my former job. And the fact that she would have most certainly had issue with large paperclips. And after I figured this out I realized that normal people don’t care about paper clip size Natae – they don’t care.

I will not get a lecture about the size of the clips or my decision to clip them on the left side of the paper. I will not then be reminded endlessly thereafter of the importance of using small paper clips, nor will she (ex-boss) waste 30 minutes of my life giving me instructions on the exact type of paper clips I should order from Staples in which color, plastic covered or straight metal. Not going to happen. Instead I did the task and the person I did it for said, ‘that was quick – thanks’. Hmm I did a super job - gold star day I thought with sarcasm – which leads me to my other thing…

The person I did this task for is super nice and they meant no disrespect when they told me – wow that was quick – but given my issues with my job lately I wanted to hit myself in the chest with my hand in a palsy like manner and walk off muttering b/c seriously – it’s not like it takes a lot of skill to do what I just did – was it supposed to take me all day? I HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE – I ARE SMART DAMNIT! Yes I know it should be ‘am’.

Utilize my mad skills yo - utilize me - I'm begging you!

All out of Love

I was watching the Time Life Soft Rock Collection infomerical last night before bed (I'm a tad ashamed to admit it but those Time Life Music-mercials suck me in). So anyway this one was all the soft rock favs of the 70's-90's and there were some killer songs on there sung by some people who looked like killers (honestly what happened in the 70's and 80's to make men look so damn scary/creepy?)

Point of all this: It was being hosted by the two guys from Air Supply - soft rock heaven if ever there was - and it occurred to me that the little guy in Air Supply looks like Bilbo Baggins from Lord of the Rings and a little like Bea Arthur actually now that I look at the pictures and somebody else that I wanted to remember and I have completely blanked out...it'll come to me at some point - in the meantime check out the resemblance

Bilbo

Air Supply Hobbit - on your left

New Favorite Song

Brandi Carlile ~ The Story

Love the way she sings it, the way it sounds, the lyrics...listened to it 4 times on the ride to work today. Obsessive? A bit but that's part of my charm. Here's the song:

All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been

And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything

When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops

Swam all across the ocean blue

I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules

But baby I broke them all for you

Because even when I was flat broke

You made me feel like a million bucks

Yeah you do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth

Is hiding the words that don't come out

And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed

They don't know my head is a mess

No, they don't know who I really am

A nd they don't know what I've been through like you do

And I was made for you...

This just in...

In Breaking News from Nashville

Crosswalks are cooking an evil plan and Dogs ask "Does this leash make my ass look fat?

On the local 10 o'clock news tonight they did one of those 'investigative' stories about how the crosswalks here are evil and they are plotting day and night to take down every pedestrian in Nashville, one slow poke at a time. The problem? The lights apparently don't give enough time for people to get across safely or they are other wise defective (i.e. missing a button).

They interviewed a public works official who stated that the crosswalk times were based on the average walking speed of a human and they do perform regular maintenance on the lights and get this - he said that the longer the crosswalk, the more time the light gives you to get across. What a novel idea.

Investigating further and using a high tech device called a stopwatch the action news team timed a random crosswalk - it took 47 seconds for the light to change and the 'walk' sign to come up. The public works official had previously stated the lights change in about 30 seconds once a pedestrian hits the walk button that's attached to the light (Stef you know the one that makes the clicky sound you like). It's an outrage I say - 47 seconds!! Clearly there is some plot in the works by the evil doer crosswalk regime (just fyi the color code for the level of threat will be Red, Yellow, and Green).

Still not satisfied the team does some man on the street interviews and finds out that one old woman had to stop in the median b/c she couldn't make it all the way across before the light changed (no sh*t, really? ) And to drive home the point of how bad the crosswalks were they finally interviewed a woman in a motorized wheelchair - who could, incidentally make it all the way across before the light changed. No her problem wasn't getting across in time, it was getting across at all. According to the woman she waited for 2 hours one time for the light to change. TWO HOURS?!?!?

I find it absurd and really not at all believable that the lights/walk sign didn't change for two hours. And why in the name of the saints would you wait at a light for two hours - maybe trying going up to another intersection or something? If I had to wait at a light for two hours (honestly probably more than two minutes) the impatient monster inside of me would either kick the stoplight pole repeatedly or just start running as fast as my short little legs would take me.

The next story - and really we have gone off the deep end as a society so brace yourselves - Scientists have now come out with a doggie diet pill. A doggie diet pill for pete's sake. Evidently not only are the dog owners (i.e. most Americans) big fat asses - but so are their dogs.

So now your puppy can be anorexic just like you Nicole Ritchie. Seriously - just get out and walk your dog - you'll both feel better and Fido can finally get into that two piece.

p.s. if you don't laugh at this you have no soul b/c it's killin' me. Does this leash make my ass look fat...funnah!

Portrait of a Dumbass - Richard Reid

There are already way to many of them in the world but I wanted to take some time out today and highlight a special dumb ass - the shoe bomber dumb ass or SBDA as I like to say.

Here are the highlights from the online article

The man imprisoned for trying to blow up an American passenger jet with explosives hidden in his shoes says he has no regrets and trusts that God will set him free, according to a British newspaper. "I had a couple of good dreams about my situation changing for the better ..." Richard Reid reportedly wrote from prison, the Daily Mirror said Monday.

Good luck with that buddy! I once had a dream I was tiny as a mouse and I lived in the garage of my parents house - it was super cool...but...sad to say....it didn't come true. I'm also pretty sure that God is plenty pissed off at you for not having accidentally blown yourself and your stupid shoes up before getting on the airplane in some sort of practice run gone bad scenario - the end result being that you eliminated yourself from the gene pool thereby relieving God of having to deal with you later.

Go Rot.

Advice for the youngins

Forget college - hell forget graduating from high school. Why spend time and money on all that nonsense?

Of course you can spend all that money, time studying (sorta), and find a job that pays you marginally well to sit and stare out the window of your office and watch cars drive by.

Or a job where you can spend several hours talking to your friends on IM.

Or one where you sit and obsessively check a) your blog b) your friends' blogs c) your email d) your bank statement - of which there is no activity b/c you're at work and you aren't using your debit card so nothing has been charged.

Or sit and wonder when the hell you are going to find a job that a) you like with no exceptions - or close to no exceptions b) fulfills you and keeps you occupied c) doesn't make you loco.

Please note - I have not mentioned computer games like Bejewled and Cubis b/c I gave those up when I started my new job - I'm not sure if they monitor my computer activities and I don't want to get caught wasting time.

Snooky and I have had several discussions - after work hours - about the fact that we don't feel like grown ups - and yet we are firmly entrenched in our 30's - well past grown up. But do grown ups feel like this? This discontent? Did my mom and dad feel like this when they were working? Does anyone else feel like your skills and education are a waste of time and money? Hell my salary doesn't even come close to what I owe in student loans.

I'm going to go kick some dust, pout until my lip touches the floor, and possibly throw an all out tantrum - not very grown up at all.

Ah High School

I was prompted to dig out my old yearbooks from High School tonight for various reasons and what I found alarmed me.

OHMYLORD we were all geeks! Even the cool pretty people were geeks. I'm honestly amazed at how many of us were actually able to meet, mate, and procreate.

We all looked just like those ads you see online for classmates.com. The hair - mall bangs, flock of seagulls, cyndi lauper, mullets - it was all bad. The acne - the way the black and white pictures highlight it perfectly. The over-sized glasses, the peg jeans, the Jessica McClintock prom dresses.
Oy!

I have a fantastic picture of me and my BFF Laura from one of our dances freshmen year - I took a picture of it (since I don't have a scanner) I hope it shows up sorta well. Some of you have been lucky to see it up close and personal - it's priceless honestly. It's also ok to laugh b/c every time I see it I laugh. And yes - we had the same Jessica dresses on - Laura's was long - mine was short - she was a size 0 - I was not :-)

*sigh*

Snooky and I were talking yesterday about how drinking Coke, even Diet Coke, it seems now is basically going to kill you.

It saddens me b/c I *heart* diet coke in a major way and it nearly destroyed her b/c she is Coke's SuperFan. Santa packs are coming....Santa packs are coming....

Anyway the discussion ended with her basically deciding not to try and make the switch to diet coke - she's toyed around with this idea in the past - and me deciding that I was just going to start eating fatback and drinking whatever I wanted b/c in the end it really doesn't matter - we're all going to die. And I think I'd be quite happy dying with a cold diet coke in my cold dead hand.